Parents often find themselves solving most of their children’s problems. Whether it’s fighting with a sibling over a toy, a tough basketball game, or peer pressure, children of all ages face problems all of the time. I suggest giving your children tools to solve problems and provide them opportunities to solve problems on their own. Let’s face it, you are not always around when your child faces challenges (even if you’re the parent who volunteers at your child’s school every week). Helping your children solve their own problems will give them confidence and build their creativity, self-esteem, rational thinking and emotion management.
Let’s define what a problem is first:
A problem can be a complicated issue or something in your life that is causing you frustration, worry anger, or some other kind of distress. In order to get rid of the distress, the situation must be solved. Usually, solving the whole problem involves making a series of decisions. Each step in the problem solving process outlined here can be more or less emphasized depending on the age of your child.
So how do you teach problem-solving skills to your child?
Step 1: Stop all blaming.
Help your child understand that blaming someone (including him or herself) for the problem will not solve it. So next time your three year old stubs his toe in the coffee table and blames the table by hitting it try correcting the scenario right away and say “lets walk around the table, like this” and show your child a solution.
Step 2: Define the problem.
Next, prompt your child two questions to help her get started. “What exactly is the problem?” and “Whose problem it?” If your child realizes it’s not her problem then help her understand that the best thing she can do is let the people who “own” the problem solve it themselves.
Step 3: Consider asking for help.
Once your child is sure he “owns” the problem and has identified what it is, ask if you could help.
Step 4: Think of alternative solutions.
Ask your child, “How can we/you fix it?” Give brainstorming prompts such as, “What are some things you could do about this?” This will allow your child to creatively come up with as many ideas as possible. Help your child make the distinction between reasonable ideas versus unreasonable ideas.
Step 5: Evaluate the alternatives.
Next, for each idea your child comes up with, ask, “What will happen to you and other people involved if I try this one?” “How would you feel if we tried this..” or “what do you think would happen?”
It is important for your child to consider how his actions impact others. If yoru child does not know how someone else will be affected then let them know that it is okay to ask the other person, “How will you feel about it if I…”
Step 6: Make a decision.
Let your child know that she needs to choose the alternative that appears to have the best chance of succeeding and is in the best interest of everyone. If the solution is a responsible one, it will not hurt anyone unnecessarily – and it will probably work.
7. Follow through.
After your child has made the decision, encourage him to stick to it for a reasonable length of time. If the decision doesn’t work, ask your child to go with the next best alternative.
Keep in mind for younger children, steps five and up is very difficult to do as it requires higher order thinking. Typically, children under the of five have not developed higher order thinking skills but you can help them cultivate these skills through creative play or role modeling by talking out loud as you work through simple problems.
Torrance, P. (1972). Can we teach children to think creatively. Journal of Creative Behavior, 6(2), 114-143. https://doi.org/10/1002/j.2162-6057.1972.tb00923.x
Webster-Stratton, C., Reid, J., & Hammond, M. (2001). Social Skills and Problem-solving Training for Children with Early-onset Conduct Problems: Who Benefits? The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry and Allied Disciplines, 42(7), 943-952. doi:10.1017/S0021963001007776
