Talking to others is a kind of dance towards deeper trust and respect. How we talk requires a lot of attention and care that our mind calculates, on the fly, every time we open our mouth. We have a way that we talk to others that feels so normal and natural to us, that we often do not think about how or why we talk to others the way we do. We talk to our doctor differently than we talk to our spouse, or we talk to children differently than we talk to our uncle. Some people are talkers and never let others in, while others feel their words have no value and so stay silent. We choose to talk with grace and openness in some circumstances, while in others we may be abrupt and disinterested. Our words are powerful and set a tone for others around us. We can make or break relationships with words, and sometimes we don’t know it.
Here is an experiment: Ask someone you know and trust this hard question, “what is it like to be on the other side of me?” It is a potent question. In other words, what do people experience when they talk with you? Are we aware of how our words are being used?
Malcolm Gladwell explains this dance like this, he says, “Respect for others requires a complicated calculation in which one party agrees to moderate their own desires, to consider the longer-term consequences of their own behavior, to think about something other than the thing right in front of them.” Wisdom invites us to be thoughtful in our words in order that we might maintain and nurture respect, trust, and connection. It may be a calculated process, but whether we know it or not, we are already navigating the world with our words every day.
Some people may have never experienced meaningful trustworthy relationships before. Their words can come across as harsh, cutting, and violent and it can be heartbreaking to see how people find themselves alone and do not really know why. When we live openly towards others in our community or home, we reveal the heart behind our words. Gossip, slander, and cruel words reveal the way a person feels. We try to cover up, but our words betray what is happening inside. Words are the great mirror of the soul.
The gift of community and neighbourhoods is that these are places where hurting people can be known. Instead of hiding, we can risk stepping into relationships and try to let down our guard. We can practice building trust and try on words that we don’t often use. Words of affirmation, kindness, honesty and encouragement need a place to begin, so why not here? Learning to listen and be quiet also needs a place to grow. We need others.
It took people in my community who modelled this for me to see if I, too, could love people with this kind of attention. It took others who loved me to help me find the courage to speak from a better place, and reflect on the deeper places where my words come from. Even now I am learning that anger or fear are never far off, emotions that linger at the edge of my life, but even those places can find peace and hope again. Together I think we are learning to speak again. We are learning to create a city and neighbourhood culture where we nurture care between strangers and try on better words. If not for our community, then for our own wellbeing, words are life.
