When my daughter Jenna was seven years old, she came barreling through the front door in complete hysterics. I didn’t even get to ask about her first day at her new school. Instead, she kicked off her shoes, stomped up the stairs, and yelled, “I’m never going to school again!” Things weren’t looking too optimistic. When I entered her bedroom, her head was stuck in her shirt, arms waving comically in the air. Not my proudest parenting moment, but I burst out laughing. After freeing her, I asked what happened. “It’s your fault mommy! You made me wear these dumb clothes!” She was referring to her adorable jeans with the chihuahua embroidered on the pantleg and matching shirt. Jenna loved this outfit. “The kids said I wear baby clothes!”
Offering up a hug, I replied, “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt. The best thing you can do is hold your head high, be sweet as pie, and kill them with kindness.” I thought this was great advice until I stumbled on the actual translation. Killing someone with kindness – To harm, inconvenience, or bother one by treating them with excessive favour or kindness. There was also reference to primates hugging offspring so hard they crush them to death. Yikes, not exactly the message I was going for. But in hindsight, this turn of phrase is still applicable as it perfectly defines what kindness isn’t.
Kindness does not cause harm, is not used in malice to annoy others or part of a transaction. Kindness is a positive mindset emphasizing care, empathy, generosity, and helpfulness. It can be expressed with the smallest of gestures but create a monumental impact. It also generates a ripple effect, having the unlimited potential to spread among others.
Therefore, I suggest reframing this idiom with the more appropriate, nurturing them with kindness. To nurture is to care for others by encouraging growth and development, which aligns with the essence of kindness. So why is kindness important to nurture? It’s an essential part of being human. We are social beings who rely on meaningful connections, which nurture our whole self: body, mind, and spirit.
Nurture Your Body
Kindness is fundamental to human existence and deeply rooted in our biology. We are hard-wired for kindness. From birth, we rely on the love and care of others, and this need extends throughout our lifespan, not only impacting our quality of life but quantity. Kindness generates happiness, which nurtures the immune system, which is responsible for keeping us healthy. Kindness also stimulates the vagus nerve, which allows us to relax. It also is cardioprotective, meaning it lowers blood pressure and decreases the risk of heart disease. Without kindness, cortisol and adrenaline kick into high gear, disrupting the body-mind connection. As a result, the body starts to experience physical issues such as headaches, body aches, digestive issues, fatigue, and much more. Kindness helps achieve that necessary balance in life to keep our bodies healthy and fit so that extra dose of daily kindness goes a long way.
Nurture Your Mind
Kindness is so powerful it can alter our brain structure, mainly the prefrontal cortex – which houses positive emotions. The more kindness in your life, the more this area grows, making it easier to engage in positive thoughts and feelings. The best part is the benefits of kindness can be achieved whether you are the giver, receiver, or witness – it’s an all-around good feeling. Unfortunately, our brains default to a negative mindset, making it easier to get caught up in negative thinking. Positivity, on the other hand, is controlled by a free will which means we can override negative thoughts as the two cannot exist simultaneously. Kindness triggers a chemical reaction in the brain-boosting serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin, which nurtures feelings of trust, social connection, and the ability to cope with life stressors. Therefore, the more kindness in your life, the more you nurture your mental health.
Nurture Your Spirit
Kindness comes from within and must be nurtured not just for others, but ourselves. We are, without a doubt, our own worst critics. We set unrealistic expectations, then berate ourselves when we think we are falling short. We minimize our accomplishments and magnify our limitations. In a nutshell, we aren’t very kind to ourselves. While it may seem selfish, our spirituality should never be sacrificed for the sake of others. Doing so only undermines feelings of self-worth. Kindness cannot exist in the demise of personal integrity. Treating yourself with kindness means extending the same level of courtesy and gratitude to yourself that you gift to others. Self-kindness builds our resilience and optimism, allowing us to be the best version of ourselves.
I’m happy to report Jenna is now nineteen years old and cannot recall the “chihuahua fiasco” twelve years prior. However, she remembers how much she loved that outfit. My daughter is one of the kindest and most compassionate young women I know so while my original advice was a little off, the message was clearly received. We cannot control the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours of others, but we can choose the way we respond. Choosing kindness is never in vain and above all else, reflects our perception of who we are, and the value we bring to this world. And you are indeed valued.
